Things were looking bleak... manic depressive treatment was going, but going slowly... troubles at work... feeling despised, hating getting out of bed...
then suddenly, I get a vibe... "you're getting fired." It's just a feeling at that point but I am always out of place in meetings --- since I started there actually. my 3rd day there was my birthday - not a single soul talked to me. the chattiest people were the smokers, so I pretended to be one of them for a while.
May 25, 2011 I get told I'm being terminated. I won't go into the details because I believe the actual reason is not completely the real reason.
I freak the frack out. I own a condo and am determined not to lose it.
I learn everything I can about collecting unemployment and living on the least I ever have.
But I realize... I have so far from nothing. I have beautiful parents and a step-parent who are supportive and nurturing... my condo is still mine, and I can do whatever the hell I want to (well including looking for a job, training, resume-rewriting... of course).
But on some days, a manic depressive (or even a "regular person") cannot sell themselves to the world... and you need a day off.
I had A LOT of those days. For a while, I was so afraid to do anything that would cost money, I'd stay home all the time. Especially once I remembered the make and year of my car and how long it had been since it had been serviced.
LOTS of nights waking up at 3am sweating, worrying, crying...
Until blessings stepped in and made me forget.
My sweet Annabell and Kristine (college friends) flew me up to Alaska where they live for the annual Girdwood Forest Fair. Kristine manages Maxine's restaurant and needed some extra help during the fair. OK first of all I was on an alcohol fast - second of all those Alaskans scarcely sleep - "it's only 3am Nielle! Time to watch a movie!" But I met the wackiest, funnest people... AND got to see Andy, a very dear friend I've known since Jr High who just HAPPENED to be there traveling... What a crazy random happenstance!
And the experience of rounding up drunk people at 2:45 am in Alaska will stick with me... "Who are you? Do you know your name? Where Do you live? Um who did you come here with? DOES ANYONE KNOW THIS MAN? Where are your people sleeping?"
Then the forest fair was lovely and what do I see in the middle of a 2,000 person Alaskan town fair but Moria Chappell - a bellydance SUPERSTAR and one of my heroes who I've taken bellydance workshops with! She didn't know me from mud but I stopped, looked her in the eye and said MORIA! (probably scaring her a little)... it was another crazy, beautiful vision happenstance.
Seeing Anna and Kristine after so many years was the biggest treat ~ I still can't thank them enough for getting me there. Next time I'm having Kristine take me shooting and Anna take me fishing.
Vacation #2 - Don't hate me but I got to stay in a resort in Sedona... my wonderful, thoughtful Grandfather has a fund for family reunions and gets us all together even though it's terrible work for he and grandma as they're in their 90's. My mom and Heidi drove up with the pups so I get to see her too as well as all the McCammons. No family is without its difficult moments but I treasure mine truly.
Then my friend Josh came to visit twice this summer. Great companionship as we get each other completely - and I can take him to visit high school buddies like Shelly. We looked through high school yearbooks, watched True Blood marathons, and Ziggy likes him way better.
Would I ever have taken this much time off? Never, so I'm guessing it was life's way of telling me.
Work on your story, visit people, get out in the world.... remember your purpose... which is????
Ahhh the elusive question - but things are looking up my friends :-)
Thanks for reading (those who did) <3
then suddenly, I get a vibe... "you're getting fired." It's just a feeling at that point but I am always out of place in meetings --- since I started there actually. my 3rd day there was my birthday - not a single soul talked to me. the chattiest people were the smokers, so I pretended to be one of them for a while.
May 25, 2011 I get told I'm being terminated. I won't go into the details because I believe the actual reason is not completely the real reason.
I freak the frack out. I own a condo and am determined not to lose it.
I learn everything I can about collecting unemployment and living on the least I ever have.
But I realize... I have so far from nothing. I have beautiful parents and a step-parent who are supportive and nurturing... my condo is still mine, and I can do whatever the hell I want to (well including looking for a job, training, resume-rewriting... of course).
But on some days, a manic depressive (or even a "regular person") cannot sell themselves to the world... and you need a day off.
I had A LOT of those days. For a while, I was so afraid to do anything that would cost money, I'd stay home all the time. Especially once I remembered the make and year of my car and how long it had been since it had been serviced.
LOTS of nights waking up at 3am sweating, worrying, crying...
Until blessings stepped in and made me forget.
My sweet Annabell and Kristine (college friends) flew me up to Alaska where they live for the annual Girdwood Forest Fair. Kristine manages Maxine's restaurant and needed some extra help during the fair. OK first of all I was on an alcohol fast - second of all those Alaskans scarcely sleep - "it's only 3am Nielle! Time to watch a movie!" But I met the wackiest, funnest people... AND got to see Andy, a very dear friend I've known since Jr High who just HAPPENED to be there traveling... What a crazy random happenstance!
And the experience of rounding up drunk people at 2:45 am in Alaska will stick with me... "Who are you? Do you know your name? Where Do you live? Um who did you come here with? DOES ANYONE KNOW THIS MAN? Where are your people sleeping?"
Then the forest fair was lovely and what do I see in the middle of a 2,000 person Alaskan town fair but Moria Chappell - a bellydance SUPERSTAR and one of my heroes who I've taken bellydance workshops with! She didn't know me from mud but I stopped, looked her in the eye and said MORIA! (probably scaring her a little)... it was another crazy, beautiful vision happenstance.
Seeing Anna and Kristine after so many years was the biggest treat ~ I still can't thank them enough for getting me there. Next time I'm having Kristine take me shooting and Anna take me fishing.
Vacation #2 - Don't hate me but I got to stay in a resort in Sedona... my wonderful, thoughtful Grandfather has a fund for family reunions and gets us all together even though it's terrible work for he and grandma as they're in their 90's. My mom and Heidi drove up with the pups so I get to see her too as well as all the McCammons. No family is without its difficult moments but I treasure mine truly.
Then my friend Josh came to visit twice this summer. Great companionship as we get each other completely - and I can take him to visit high school buddies like Shelly. We looked through high school yearbooks, watched True Blood marathons, and Ziggy likes him way better.
Would I ever have taken this much time off? Never, so I'm guessing it was life's way of telling me.
Work on your story, visit people, get out in the world.... remember your purpose... which is????
Ahhh the elusive question - but things are looking up my friends :-)
Thanks for reading (those who did) <3
1 comments:
Losing It said...
Sending you lots of love, my Daneal.