Wednesday, March 31, 2010

no more drama? @okcupid followers & friends respond

This is a phrase I keep seeing on dating profiles... to me, "no drama" has begun to be code for, "no feelings"... or "please God NO FALLING IN LOVE." I realize we all view this phrase differently.

So I posed the question to the twitter-verse and here are some answers I got:

1. No drama = no unwanted display of emotions and no undesired unpredictability. It's a major red flag if you want a giving partner.

2. I'd say it has more to do with no craziness, undue jealousy, possessiveness... And women say it too.

3. answer: No, it's code for: when we fall in love and you get issues, please solve them yourself and don't burden me with them :P.

4. I have found that "no drama" usually means they bring plenty of their own drama and resent the competition.

5. "no drama" = red flag. Either he wants a girl with no opinions or he has crazy exes (& is probably a bit crazy too)

6. I think it means no dating at all. Like, "Let's just f** & I'll never call you again & you won't be upset about it, k?"

7. I always find ppl w/drama can't make hard choices. They'd rather complain than make changes they know they should make.

8. It means "I will always use 'drama' as an excuse to invalidate any argument you ever have."

9. I think it's code for "bitches be nutty, and i have no idea how to handle them."

10. I think it's code for "I'm just looking sex when and where I want it, and the ability to walk away when I'm done."

11. no, it means "no being crazy". Unfortunately, the definition of "crazy" changes from person to person.

12. "No Drama" Also means "No (head) Games" and "No (head) Games Players"

13. My male clients generally say they mean, "No crazy ex, no jealousy issues, no being overly clingy and pathetic."

14. Code for "I just want the lovin without the committment... Or exclusivity..." Which in turn creates more drama by wanting that.

and probably my favorite from my friend Eric:
No drama doesn't mean "No falling in love" it means "I am not your exes. You can have issues but cancel your subscription"

But I'm starting to see phrases like this as a red flag code now. This either means to me that you're either so traumatized by a past crazy person, or you are really uncomfortable with real, loving emotions in a caring relationship. Either way, I probably want to avoid you. Which is tough because the dating pool was already problematic to begin with.

Life is dramatic, comedic, idiotic, fantastic, magical --- all of it - the whole package and I want someone whole and healthy to experience all aspects with.

I am not a needy person but that doesn't mean that I won't have certain needs. I am a very independent, busy and motivated woman that doesn't have time to stalk a boyfriend or require all his spare time. But I will require respect, honesty and the ability to be myself and have emotional responses to life and love. People need to play the dating field ---- I got that out of my system and need something more substantial. These needs are fact, not needy and they are compatible or not. Let's just face up to the facts if we don't fit.

All you people who don't want drama... what are you really looking for? Try being really honest for once. You want sex without attachment? Hey, girls do the same thing. You want to feel all the benefits of a relationship without doing any of the work involved? Why not just say you want Friends with Benefits? Ah because then you're not getting the women you want... but you are lying to them.

Sadly, most of the time "Friends with Benefits" are not even really friends. It's something we say to make us feel better about the situation we find ourselves in, isn't it?

Some guy on Twitter actually said I was un-dateable because I asked the question, "does no drama mean no falling in love?" Really? Yes, for YOU I probably am undateable - thank heaven. A woman who asks questions? A woman who dares to push buttons? Oh the horror! ;-)

My fear is that I become too cautious about potential red flags and never trust again... it will take a while but I believe that the right love is out there, so long as I'm open and present for it.

Monday, March 29, 2010

Hips of Fury #bellydance Alter Ego ~ ELOE

My alter ego in the group of awesome friends I call the Johnny Snows, is known as Hips of Fury (naturally, since I'm a bellydancer).

(Side note to the potentially confused - Johnny Snow is a reference from Dr. Horrible which is an awesome story we all adore. We are the Snows b/c we ski in CO. Dr. Horrible is plotting to be an evil mastermind in the ELOE, Evil League of Evil. Our group hasn't determined yet if we are good or evil ;-) )

The Johnny Snows are a creative group and Colleen has decided to write a script for a video so we can really have fun with the character names we made up at our holiday party. I already enjoy writing, so I quickly came up with a fictitious character:

Hips of Fury – Alise Ardent

(Ardent is a play on words being a synonym for passionate)

Good or Bad? – Ambiguous / Struggles with it / Helps women, sometimes enjoys punishing men

Powers – shimmies that create weather patterns & sonic booms, has power of hypnosis with slow movements and can coerce the truth from hypnotized victims

Once meek and mousy, embraced alter-ego after discovering bellydance - instantly took to the movements and surprisingly caused a tornado with passionate shimmies.

Has a love/hate relationship with men and occasionally chooses to punish men who have wronged women (as one who suffered much at the hands of men).

Most days she is optimistic and chooses to use her powers for good.

Good deed – distracted and hypnotized a gang about to hurt a woman and helped the woman escape. With her powers of hypnosis Hips of Fury convinced the gang to join a Buddhist monastery.

Evil deed – after being too late to help a woman from being beaten to death by her boyfriend, Hips sweeps him up in a tornado of anger and hurls him against a mountain.

Yes, I realize I'm a hard-core geek. BA in English comin in handy now. :P

But hey, I'm getting ideas of grandeur now... I'm thinking up logo ideas and it could have comic book potential. Don't ya think? Wouldn't a belly-dancing super heroine be the bomb? Ya ya!

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Looking for Love ~ It’s not where you look but who you are

Reposted from Heal Your Life Website

Published: March 10, 2010
By Dr. Wayne W. Dyer

Be a loving person and you’ll find a loving partner.

You must be that which you desire. There’s no point whatsoever in an unloving man or woman bemoaning their inability to find a partner. They’re doomed to endless frustration because they don’t recognize the perfect match when it appears. That loving person could be right there, right now, and their resistance doesn’t allow them to see it. The unloving person continues to blame bad luck or a series of external factors for their not having a loving relationship.

Love can only be attracted by and returned by love. The best advice I can give for attracting and maintaining spiritual partnerships, is to be what it is that you are seeking. Most relationships that fail to sustain themselves are based on one or both of the partners feeling as if their freedom has been compromised in some way. Spiritual partnerships, on the other hand, are never about making another person feel inferior or ignored in any way. The term spiritual partnership simply means that the energy holding the two of you together is in close harmony with the Source energy of intention.

This means that an allowing philosophy flows through the partnership, and you need never fear that your freedom to fulfill your own inner knowing about your purpose is questioned. It’s as if each person has whispered silently to the other, You are Source energy in a physical body, and the better you feel, the more of this loving, kind, beautiful, receptive, abundant, expanding, and creative energy is flowing through you. I respect this Source energy, and I share it with you as well. When either of us feels downhearted, there’s less of this energy of intention flowing. We must always remember that nothing is disallowed by the universal mind. Whatever is not allowing us to be happy is being disallowed by us. I’m committed to staying in this energy field of intention and watching myself whenever I slip. It’s that very Source that brought us together, and I’ll work to stay in harmony with it.

Mystically speaking, there’s no difference between you and another person. A weird concept, perhaps, but nevertheless valid. This explains why you can’t hurt another person without hurting yourself, nor can you help another person without helping yourself. You share the same Source energy with everyone, and consequently, you must begin to think and act in a way that reflects your awareness of this principle. When you feel the need to have the right person show up, begin to change your inner dialogue to reflect this awareness. Rather than saying, I wish this person would show up because I need to get out of this rut, activate a thought that reflects your connection, such as: I know the right person will be arriving in divine order at precisely the perfect time.

If a friendship or partnership requires the submission of your higher original nature and dignity, it’s simply wrong. When you truly know what it is to love, as you’re loved by your Source, you won’t experience the kind of pain you did in the past when your love was unnoticed or rejected. It will, instead, be similar to how a friend described her experience of choosing to leave a relationship: “My heart was broken, but it felt like it was stuck in the open position. I felt love flowing toward this person who couldn’t love me the way I wanted to be loved, even as I left that relationship to seek the love I felt inside of me. It was strange to feel the pain of my broken heart. And at the same time feel its openness. I kept thinking, My heart’s broken, but it’s broken open. I shifted to an entirely new level of loving and being loved. The relationship I’d dreamed of having manifested 18 months later!”

You are love. You emanated from pure love. You’re connected to this Source of love at all times. Think this way, feel this way, and you’ll soon act this way. And all that you think, feel, and do will be reciprocated in exactly the same fashion. Believe it or not, this principle of the right person showing up has been in place forever. It’s only your ego that’s kept you from seeing it clearly.

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

Love and Attachment

today's source comes from:

I am continually struggling with this and sometimes I wonder if I'll ever really learn or get it right.

Once you start dating someone, the fires of desire are sparked and it's wonderful. It's so easy to get wrapped up in that and want more. It feels so good and we are so happy, we just want to exist in that state for as long as possible.

"Grasping at things can only yield one of two results:
Either the thing you are grasping at disappears, or you yourself disappear.
It is only a matter of which occurs first."

I've come to realize that becoming attached to someone happens so quietly and subtly that sometimes we don't really even realize it's happened, until the object of our attachment is suddenly gone. It happens in my mind ever so slowly... at first it feels under control and at some point, the idea of that someone you're attached to takes on a life of its own. You are thinking of them constantly - they start to consume your thoughts and your life.

"Desire can be compared to fire. If we grasp fire, what happens? Does it lead to happiness?
If we say: "Oh, look at that beautiful fire! Look at the beautiful colors! I love red and orange; they're my favorite colors," and then grasp it, we would find a certain amount of suffering entering the body. And then if we were to contemplate the cause of that suffering we would discover it was the result of having grasped that fire. On that information, we would hopefully, then let the fire go. Once we let fire go then we know that it is something not to be attached to.
This does not mean we have to hate it, or put it out. We can enjoy fire, can't we? It's nice having a fire, it keeps the room warm, but we do not have to burn ourselves in it."

I've also realized that I seem to attach in order to possess... not intentionally but it's been so long since I've been able to say something like "my boyfriend" that I crave it so much.

But in my case there is altruism mixed in with my attachment. I genuinely want to give love, to understand, to be a healthy source of love.

Perhaps I am denied this until I can understand it?

Otherwise I am doomed to repeat the same suffering over and over.

The 12 Steps of Liberation
1. The truth of suffering. We experienced the truth of our addictions – our lives were unmanageable suffering.
2. The truth of the origin of suffering. We admit that we craved for and grasped onto addictions as our refuge.
3. The truth of the end of suffering. We came to see that complete cessation of craving and clinging at addictions is necessary.
4. The truth of the path. We made a decision to follow the path of liberation and to take refuge in our wisdom, our truth, and our fellowship.
5. Right view. We completely see our life as it is. Our goodness is indestructible. We are willing to acknowledge and proclaim our truth to ourselves, another human being and the community.
6. Right thought. We are mindful that we create the causes for suffering and liberation.
7. Right speech. We purify, confess and ask for forgiveness straightforwardly and without judgment. We are willing to forgive others.
8. Right action. We make a list of all persons we harm and are willing and able to actively make amends to them all, unless to do so would be harmful.
9. Right livelihood. We simplify our lives, realizing we are all interconnected. We engage in active compassion. We select a vocation that supports our recovery.
10. Right effort. We acknowledge mistakes and relapse as part of the path. We continue to practice these steps with joyful effort.
11. Right mindfulness. Through prayer, meditation and action we follow the path of truth, being mindful moment by moment.
12. Right concentration. Open to the spirit of awakening as a result of these steps, we will carry this message to all people suffering with addictions.

In theory all these things sound so simple.

But matters of the heart are never simple, especially in such a desirous and emotional creature like myself. Please continue reading and I hope you can glean some inspiration too...

The following antidotes can be applied throughout daily life, but are profound meditation exercises as well.

ANTIDOTE 1 - Observe Yourself: Do I exaggerate positive qualities of things I am attached to, are they really worth all my troubles? Is it really worth to work hard for days, weeks or months to have an hour of fun?

ANTIDOTE 2 - Use Your Inner Wisdom: Discover how exaggerated attachment is and how desire works against oneself. Try to be wiser than the monkey and let go of the candy to be free.

ANTIDOTE 3 - Reflect on the Unsatisfactory Nature of Existence. This is also called the First Noble Truth. How much fun is fun really, and how much is it forgetting the pain? Do desires ever stop or is it an endless job to fulfil them?

ANTIDOTE 4 - Reflect on Impermanence. How important is the person or object: everything will end someday, people die, things break.

ANTIDOTE 5 - Reflect on the Problems of Attachment. Lying in the sun is great, but it quickly leads to sunburn. Eating nice food is great, but it leads to indigestion and obesity. Driving around in big cars is great, but how long do I have to work to enjoy this?

ANTIDOTE 6 - Reflect on bodily attraction (lust for sex). Loving someone is great, but what happens when the "honeymoon-days" are over? But what is the body really? What more is it than a skin bag filled with bones, flesh, disgusting organs and fluids?

ANTIDOTE 7 - Reflect on the Results of Attachment. Greed and craving lead to stealing and all kinds of crime, including war. Addiction to alcohol and drugs are simply forms of strong craving; they destroy the addict and the surroundings. Uncontrolled lust leads to sexual abuse. The feeling of greed, craving and lust in themselves can be easily seen as forms of suffering.

ANTIDOTE 8 - Reflect on Death. What are all objects of attachment worth at "the moment of truth" or death?

ANTIDOTE 9 - Emptiness. The ultimate antidote to attachment and all other negative emotions is the realisation of emptiness