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Wednesday, March 31, 2010

no more drama? @okcupid followers & friends respond

This is a phrase I keep seeing on dating profiles... to me, "no drama" has begun to be code for, "no feelings"... or "please God NO FALLING IN LOVE." I realize we all view this phrase differently.

So I posed the question to the twitter-verse and here are some answers I got:

1. No drama = no unwanted display of emotions and no undesired unpredictability. It's a major red flag if you want a giving partner.

2. I'd say it has more to do with no craziness, undue jealousy, possessiveness... And women say it too.

3. answer: No, it's code for: when we fall in love and you get issues, please solve them yourself and don't burden me with them :P.

4. I have found that "no drama" usually means they bring plenty of their own drama and resent the competition.

5. "no drama" = red flag. Either he wants a girl with no opinions or he has crazy exes (& is probably a bit crazy too)

6. I think it means no dating at all. Like, "Let's just f** & I'll never call you again & you won't be upset about it, k?"

7. I always find ppl w/drama can't make hard choices. They'd rather complain than make changes they know they should make.

8. It means "I will always use 'drama' as an excuse to invalidate any argument you ever have."

9. I think it's code for "bitches be nutty, and i have no idea how to handle them."

10. I think it's code for "I'm just looking sex when and where I want it, and the ability to walk away when I'm done."

11. no, it means "no being crazy". Unfortunately, the definition of "crazy" changes from person to person.

12. "No Drama" Also means "No (head) Games" and "No (head) Games Players"

13. My male clients generally say they mean, "No crazy ex, no jealousy issues, no being overly clingy and pathetic."

14. Code for "I just want the lovin without the committment... Or exclusivity..." Which in turn creates more drama by wanting that.

and probably my favorite from my friend Eric:
No drama doesn't mean "No falling in love" it means "I am not your exes. You can have issues but cancel your subscription"

But I'm starting to see phrases like this as a red flag code now. This either means to me that you're either so traumatized by a past crazy person, or you are really uncomfortable with real, loving emotions in a caring relationship. Either way, I probably want to avoid you. Which is tough because the dating pool was already problematic to begin with.

Life is dramatic, comedic, idiotic, fantastic, magical --- all of it - the whole package and I want someone whole and healthy to experience all aspects with.

I am not a needy person but that doesn't mean that I won't have certain needs. I am a very independent, busy and motivated woman that doesn't have time to stalk a boyfriend or require all his spare time. But I will require respect, honesty and the ability to be myself and have emotional responses to life and love. People need to play the dating field ---- I got that out of my system and need something more substantial. These needs are fact, not needy and they are compatible or not. Let's just face up to the facts if we don't fit.

All you people who don't want drama... what are you really looking for? Try being really honest for once. You want sex without attachment? Hey, girls do the same thing. You want to feel all the benefits of a relationship without doing any of the work involved? Why not just say you want Friends with Benefits? Ah because then you're not getting the women you want... but you are lying to them.

Sadly, most of the time "Friends with Benefits" are not even really friends. It's something we say to make us feel better about the situation we find ourselves in, isn't it?

Some guy on Twitter actually said I was un-dateable because I asked the question, "does no drama mean no falling in love?" Really? Yes, for YOU I probably am undateable - thank heaven. A woman who asks questions? A woman who dares to push buttons? Oh the horror! ;-)

My fear is that I become too cautious about potential red flags and never trust again... it will take a while but I believe that the right love is out there, so long as I'm open and present for it.


  1. Great post Nielle! I never really thought about that phrase as a code before, but that totally makes sense. It occurs to me that in the online dating world there must be all kinds of code words/phrases that people use to indicate information they don't want to say straight out. If others occur to you, maybe you should put together some kind of glossary that people can use to navigate the online dating world. You could ask for opinions like with this one, and compile them together. I'm sure that would be helpful to a lot of people, and it would be a great read as well :)

  2. I think putting "no ____" in a profile is a red flag. It's indicative of a negative attitude and someone who hasn't had a lot of positive experiences with dating. That's someone I'd like to steer clear of, so when I did online dating, seeing a "no [drama, issues, crazies, fatties, whatever]" in someone's profile dramatically reduced the chances that I would contact or reply to that person. It's real easy for people to say what they don't want--they need to dig deeper and think about what they actually want and express that in their profiles.

  3. I realized that I was putting a lot of veiled angry comments on my dating profile and recently revised it to all positive statements. It's very difficult to shed all the baggage of previous sins against you before attempting to enter into a new dating situation.

    a comment was emailed to me that "no drama" is insistently trying to avoid neurotic, angry, bitter people... but I still challenge that it's an over-used cliche that needs to be clarified or just gotten rid of.

    we all assign different meaning to these phrases and they could be saying things you don't intend to say. or if you do intend to say them, perhaps you should just own up to it?

    thanks you both for your comments!